


when you see me, will you say I’ve changed?

by a_secondhand_sorrow



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: BandTrees, F/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Self Harm, Suicide, this is a sad one, whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-21
Updated: 2019-02-21
Packaged: 2019-11-01 19:08:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17873096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_secondhand_sorrow/pseuds/a_secondhand_sorrow
Summary: They were utterly destroyed.They were two magnets pulled apart by force, tearing at anything and everything around them in their seperation.Most likely, bound to come crashing back together.***(or: love-and lies- hurt deeper than anything)





	when you see me, will you say I’ve changed?

**Author's Note:**

> originally requested by @cuddlefishconcertos on tumblr!

Hissing between her front teeth, the words slipped out.

“This can never change.”

His expression barely changed. It merely stayed the same broken mask that it had been every time they’d made eye contact in the hall.

“Nothing is going to change. Nothing.”

Her voice was colder than she had ever used it.

Sharper.

Deadlier.

“Get that into your head.”

Zoe Murphy didn’t even pause to look backwards. _Some things have to be done._

***

 _He deserves it_. Zoe turned over in bed. _He deserves every bit of it for what he did._

**No he doesn’t!**

_Yes he does. He deserves anything he’s getting._

She turned over again, trying to forget the arguments inside of her head.

**You’re just saying that to deflect. You know how you really feel.**

_Shut up._

**You can’t handle the fact you still love him after everything.**

_Shut_ up _!_

Yet even as she attempted to convince herself that they were over, that she had to be done with him, the urge to call him fed upon her, and the yearning to be near him, to see him, to feel the pressure of his hand against hers, his heat radiating into her, the silence heavy yet comfortable, nearly destroyed her. But she supressed it, contorted it, until she didn’t know what emotion was what inside of her, now.

***

“Evan?”

It was whispered, merely a memory of a word against a stark backdrop of nothingness. There was silence for a moment or two, before he felt a calloused hand gently pick up his hand, probing at his wrist, encasing it in her own.

“Evan, are you okay?”

Without opening his eyes, he knew it was Zoe.

Knew her voice, knew her touch, knew the feeling of her near him. Something-everything- inside of him desperately wanted to not know it it past tense. To know it all the time, presently, wholly.  
But something else made him hiss out, “you don’t need to pretend to give a shit about me just because people are watching.”

Zoe’s grip slackened a little, a noticeable shift in her tone taking place. “Good thing I’m not, then. Can you open your eyes?”

Wrenching his eyes open, Evan clenched his teeth, attempting to ward off another wave of anxiety as his surroundings-a high school hallway- came back into view.

“Look, Zo, I-” he took a deep breath, trying to calm his heart as he stared into her eyes, using old nicknames like they were still together. “I-I apreciate the help, but-but I can’t do this. Okay? I just can’t… I can’t handle the pain.”

Zoe looked down at him, her brow furrowed and expression unreadable. Evan thought he saw hurt and desperation buried deep in those eyes.

He’d never been more ungratefully reminded of just how deeply in love he was.

“Okay,” she whispered finally, dropping his hand between them. He thought he caught a glimpse of tears in her eyes. “Fine.” Her voice lacked all of the bite, instead holding a tired, fraught quality to it. “Your funeral.”

***

They were utterly destroyed.

They were two magnets pulled apart by force, tearing at anything and everything around them in their seperation.

Most likely, bound to come crashing back together.

  
Zoe appeared at his doorstep one day, disheveled and close to tears, seemingly on the edge.

Considering every conversation they’d attempted, this one was a bad idea. But she couldn’t help but give it a shot.

Evan wasn’t doing much better then her, but he did a better job of hiding it. In the aftermath, he’d returned to his old habits of hiding everything. But Zoe-who had always been the master of smiling and nodding and pretending her pain was nothing more than a paper cut on the scale of emotional turmoil- had finally been burst open, her walls forced down, able to keep it together for the school day but not much else.

Evan had seen through her façade. But, at the time, she had some trouble seeing through his.

If Evan has been a less anxious person, he might have bust out with a “why are you _here_ , Zoe?” But instead all he could do was quietly ask her if she was okay.

She let out something akin to a laugh but infinitely hollower, her fingernails digging into her forearms. “No,” she whispered, “no, just like I haven’t been for my whole life.”

Evan just stood, his eyes staring into hers.

“I just, I need- _god_ , I need to feel real. I need something to make me feel Ike more than a hollow shell. I need to feel normal. I need to stop needing _you_.”

Evan’s heart stopped.

“I need to stop loving you, and I need to stop thinking about you, and I need-I need you to need me back.”

He looked away for a moment, hiding how his eyes filled with tears and his heart swelled and his head filled with a million _no_ s.

“You don’t know how much I need that too,” he finally managed, coming out whispered and croaky around the lump in his throat.

They just stared at each other, deeply in love yet entirely out of place, familiar yet strangers, unable to be near each other yet unable to move away.

“Well, I-I guess I should get going.”

“Yeah. I guess.”

Something in the miserable tone to Evan’s voice made Zoe turn around for a split second, make a decision she couldn’t push herself to make before.

She grabbed Evan’s hand lightly, pressing a kiss to his lips, feeling a million feelings at once but mostly _oh thank god I can do this again._

She pulled away, heart beating rapidly.

“Well.” She whispered, heart in her throat. “Bye, then.”

“Bye,” Evan whispered back, without hiding the tears slipping down his cheeks.

And her hand slipped out of his, and he watched her drive out of his driveway and away, and his only thought was _maybe this time we won’t pull apart again._

You can always dream.


End file.
